57 CHANNELS AND NOTHIN’ IS ON

Bruce Springsteen’s song about cable channels is a pleasant surprise. He sings about having a cable television with 57 choices and there isn’t anything that he likes. So he does the sensible thing and uses a gun and blows out the television.

How about that! With his money, he can do that. Imagine that he has a large plasma screen with a quadruple sound. In other words, he has the works (at the date that this is written.)

I actually like to read books and periodicals as well as do searches on the internet. However, there are times when I turn on the tube to find nothing. Then I got the bright idea to count the number of non choices that I have on my cable. Maybe Bruce is right.

I had 2 strategies. One is the format sent to me by the cable company and the other is fairly novel. I did my own search. Both tallied the same. I have 261 channels. So I am in the better shape than Springsteen, but still find nothing on. However, I used a rationale to discover why nothing is there. I categorized channels by substance. That means that I used my own rationale to put channels in categories which the channels advertise as their venue. As an example, if most of the time, a channel shows sports events and related sports features; I called it a sports channel. Now, ain’t that clever? I think so.

Here is my breakdown with flaws.

1. BROADCAST these are the commercial channels that the unwashed masses can watch and not have a cable system. (5 channels)
2. INFOMERCIAL STATIONS. On these things, you pay cable money to watch their advertisements. So it’s a double insult. (8 channels)
3. PUBLIC this means C-span and venues from colleges and universities. There lots of old, old movies here. Music is good if you don’t like rap, hip-hop and related. (5 channels)
4. RELIGIOUS. Except for the Catholic station, there are lots of southern accents. There is some good material here and some that is not so good. (4 channels.)
5. SPECIALITY. Do you have that special recipe? Want to know how to garden in Alaska in January? (15 channels)
6. MOVIE STATIONS. No premium channels are listed here. The newest movies are about 3 years old. (28 channels)
7. KIDS /CHILDREN STATIONS. Now, this is a tough call because other channels have kid stuff too. These channels have pre-adolescents all the time. (6 channels.)
8. SPORTS. Now we get every sport imaginable, and if you would like to see a 30 year old Nebraska, Oklahoma, Florida State football game, you can get that too. With the PAY PER VUE, the grand total is 18 channels.
9. NEWS/DOCUMENTARIES. Not only do you get the news on these channels but you get OPINION. Folks are also paid to holler at each other. One big rated talk show channel throws insults at the guests. That is if the guest has the guts to show up. (13 channels)
10. MUSIC. What you call music and what I call music may not be the same thing, but it has something to do with people hollering to a beat or pushing air from their lungs with gusto (12 channels) doesn’t overlook CABLE MUSIC. You get a song and a picture of the singer or the cover of the album. You also get pertinent information about them. Like, you know. Has a brother who is in prison. Disappeared after this record went to #1. (44 channels.)
11. PAY PER VUE This means that you have to manipulate your remote or call a special number. Some movies are played on 10 channels at staggered hours. (89 channels) You pay big bucks to see these things. Some are cheaper than others.
12. PORN STATIONS. They are cheap to produce and the profit is pretty good. The actors don’t get much. Pornographers have finally figured out what is arousing to women. At any rate, this is soft porn. There is lots of heavy breathing. Look if you are that desperate, the internet is probably better. Women can also get chat lines on the internet. At any rate, there are 4 channels.

So what is Springsteen to do? Get his own cable channel that plays just his music. I don’t think that he could take a gun and kill that do you? You never know. What I like about television is that it provides a time for me NOT to think. Television does a real good job at that. Springsteen had to think to get a gun to blow away the picture tube. With me, I fall into a trance of non-thought. However, it is not mystical. I don’t feel closer to God.

I feel closer to the advertisers. In spite of what is written above, most of cable is a payment to see advertisements. I should get my gun from upstairs and end it all. That would put me in the same league with Springsteen. However, I like reality shows so I have to keep my system and I can’t afford to buy another television right away. Further, the neighbors may hear gunshots and the police may stop by and ask me if I am killing my television. I think that there is a law against that so I think that I will just sit there and watch it but fantasize that I want to kill the television. This may drive me to drugs, so than I can go into rehab to watch more television.

Life ain’t what it used to be. You just never know.