FREE
ASSOCIATION
Joel Charles Snell
Chapter 1
The first room in the mortuary was darkened. You turned
right and the body of a colleague was in a casket. There
was a kneeler next to the body. It did not have a scrim or
screen so I could see her within a short distance. I got
down on my knees and crossed myself. We were almost
nose to nose.
She had on a sweater and straight skirt along with
bronzer on her face and hands. In life, she was a feminist
with a great smile. She was finishing her PhD. Her town
was just outside Cedar Rapids. In a patriarchal system,
the men sit up front and the women were in the back
seats. She died when a big truck piled into them. After a
short prayer, I was fearful, and shaken.
I got up and turned around to walk to a seat. There she
was standing! I did not know but she had a twin sister
who had a very similar dress on. I was speechless. She
quickly calmed me. I did not know that she was a twin,
and her sister guided me through a short path into a part
of her life that I did not know.
I recall one lonely Saturday afternoon when I went to her
town and searched for her grave a few years since she
had died. However, my hopeful discovery did not
happen. She was gone.
The morning of my 30th birthday was horrible. My wife
suggested that I spend it without her. I drove all over
Omaha looking for dead friends. They had died of auto
accidents, drug overdoses, the war, and other untoward
events. I found most of them and felt that it was an
action best taken when you are no longer “young.” Thirty
for me was hard. Growing old was not like growing wise.
However later, the thirties would be okay. I don’t want to
give you a dissertation on life, because the older I get the
less that I know.
With each grave, I could recall when their body had been
interned into a grave. I was hoping that it was a nest that
the individual could feel that they made it. That they
learned something and all the other bromides that folks
use to deal with their own death.
Our youngest came home one day when we lived on
Alma Drive. His brother, my wife and I were in the back
of our home. He was screaming and crying. The little girl
who lived across the street had told him that when he
died, he would face hell. It would be a horrible existence
that was grudgingly slow and terribly horrible.
She was an Evangelical and she had worked her black
magic on him. We calmed him down. He said that he
wanted to live in heaven and pushed his pudgy finger to
the sky above our home. We told him about a good God
and he seemed more settled. Our family was like a
Unitarian church. Everyone has slightly different beliefs,
but it was one that something good even among humans
and that there was hope in this life and the one to come.
If you think that I am critical of Christianity, I am not. It is
the hard right wing that comes from the south. I believe
in Rabbi Jesus or Jesus Christ. The Bible is all about Jew-
Jew interaction. Christian was division of Judaism.
Or, leave others alone. Just know that you must have
some defense in this ragged society called America.
I had an amazing incident on the low road from Cedar
Rapids to Iowa City. There is a dock now where back in
1972, I was standing on the shore and a thought hit me
like a ton of bricks. Years ago, I lived in the area. We did
not come to this area until 1978. So, I felt that all of this
was unfamiliar. However, I was a young Roman Catholic
priest and I was quite proud of my knowledge of the
church. There was a young lady who became my
assistant. One afternoon to dusk, we were near the river
and I violated vows with this person. I fell down
emotionally and was in total depression do to my act
with her. I committed suicide.
In 2015, I was walking down our hallway upstairs and I
lost my identity. Who was I? Where was I going? I got my
cell phone out and called for an ambulance. I was placed
in the emergency room and drifted into a coma. I had
sepsis, galloping pneumonia, and a heart attack.
I found myself on the edge of the Cedar River. I was
holding my right arm around my father-in- law who had
died in 2002. All of us felt this beautiful calm with orange
aura. A large moon shown down upon us I was heading
toward something wonderful. I have never quite felt that
way before. Joy…bliss…and then I was yanked back. Nonthreatening
creatures put me outside the group. It was
March and there was snow powder on the ground. I
started choking and I was crying out for help. For 72
hours, I lay in a bed that my body was strapped to. In this
world, a medical professional had put an incubator down
my nose. I was choking. The incubator was filled with
chemicals to save my life. My wife was encouraged to
contact a local mortuary.
It did the job. Once it was out, I said “what did I do
wrong?” So the idea of death is with me. A year later, I
went to the park where I had watched heaven and
agape. I walked over to a wooded cottage like building
where I had called out for help. It was March and just a
little bit of snow was on the ground. It seemed like a
paradoxical contradiction. And so it goes.
Chapter 2
Iowa is an island in a sea of Red. It takes about 6 hours to
cross the state on I-80. Most of the drive is rolling hills,
creeks and trees a number of popular culture items have
been written about the state. It is between the Missouri
and the Mississippi. On the west side is about a third of
the population and there are the awesome Bluffs,
upward from there is the very pretty Sioux land. I-29
links the north- south direction. There you find the Loess
Hills. There are few other places like it. The hills are
composed of a special soil, earth, water, and other
elements. It is so pretty and has a special coloring at
dusk. It is in the “high plains.”
Just over on the Nebraska side, we lived in a winterized
cabin at Cottonwood Marina. It had 4 tiny bedrooms,
living room and a kitchen. Those who lived year around
could appreciate the quiet. There were a ton of trees and
a trail that led to a pretty opening. Many nights, I would
walk after work around the circle of cabins and just love
the wild life. There were probably 20 families and we all
had some knowledge of each other.
We wanted to stay on there, but the college that I was
teaching at was slowly dying. So in February of 1978, I
got a call that confirmed my feelings. I remember that
spring paddling in a rubber boat around an inlet next to
the marina. I was also hoping that I could teach in the
future.
My oldest son would ride on the hood and I would drive
about 5 miles an hour. It was sad to say good bye to the
marina and the cabins overlooking the Missouri. I
remember the last night and I dreamed of all kinds of
relatives and friends waving good-bye to me. This part of
my life was over and our family would be heading toward
the eastern part of Iowa.
Iowa is generally ranked high on many things that people
want and yet don’t get in their life. Sinclair Lewis
described in a number of his novels the life of “fly over”
country of the mid west. Most in the center of the USA
have a “second best” attitude. Roughly, we don’t have
that huge mountain or pretty sea, but we sure have more
than corn.
So we had a chance to live in the woods and the Missouri
and I worked at a college that could fit in a Hollywood
movie. Small little liberal arts colleges were dying
because they taught few skills. To create the kind of
environment that the 21st century, you need buildings
filled with machines and computer technologies. Liberal
arts colleges prepared most to go on to a university for
graduate work.
Generally, I was an outsider in this small gemeinschaft
society. I am a social democrat. That means that I favor a
society that is capitalist at its base with public energy and
banks. It is just left of the “welfare state” Most of the
first world and especially Scandinavia has this type of
system. It is democratic and can be voted out. So there in
small spot just across from Iowa lived a Left winger.
Although I had long hair and jeans I really didn’t qualify
for that old word “hippie.” The school used me as a
token to tell a perspective student that one lived not far
from the campus and taught there.
Perhaps in Omaha or over to Iowa City there would be a
riot, but I was not in any of them. I became accepted but
there was something odd about me. Often on week-ends
we went to my in-laws in Omaha. There were numerous
twenty year olds, and there I could baby sit our kids and
write articles.
Saturday night had a special line up of All in the Family,
Mary Tyler Moore and the Bob Newhart show. The music
was good and a few snuck up stairs and smoked dope.
On Sunday afternoon, we headed back to the college. So
we had the best of both. We thought this might last
forever, but early in the 80’s we were all disbanded and
my father-in- law moved from a big old brick mansion to
a tract house further out in the suburbs.
By that time, we had moved to Cedar Rapids and the
surrounding area. We made 4 moves from our arrival.
Each move, I was chasing after the cottage. My wife and I
traded days and on my day off I went to all the lakes and
parks in the region. Each little town had its own story.
We were living in the “Great Lakes” portion of Iowa. It
has 2/3rd of population and is much more moderate.
The culture had changed in the 80’s and we were to see
each other in cost-benefit terms. Reagan’s had many
dimensions and the big divide between the top 1% and
the rest of us kept growing under him.
There are about 5 or 6 years that are a blur. We lived in a
suburban tract in which there was a creek in back and a
long green belt that circled the houses. At those times, I
taught people who were broken by globalism. They
were middle age and they lost their jobs. They were
retraining and learning about something that would pay
about half of what they made before. Capital can move
anywhere and Labor cannot. Year after year, there was
bad news on the door step. I cannot tell you how much I
hated those times. However, the Right owned the culture
and numerous billionaires were paraded as heroes. It
was the rich and the famous. They screwed people in the
day time on Wall Street and jammed cocaine up their
nose at night. In the late 80’s, there was a smolder of
change.
At this time, more and more people began to gain a class
consciousness. They knew the game, but followed the
scheme. Non-Republicans were rodents. Conservatives
could grow America if tax cuts were given to the rich and
they would create new high paying jobs for the rest. That
is from Milton Friedman.
If there were problems, Reagan southernized the culture.
I recall that I felt blue as lay in my bed and meditating
during this time. Then I swooped up was sent into the
dark sky and over to Omaha where my parents lived. My
soul went through a small part of the garage into their
dining room and over to a corner desk. There I saw a
sword. Then I circled around the living room and headed
back to Cedar Rapids.
I called my mother the next day and she was spooked.
However, she did find a letter opener that was Oriental
and had the description that I emphasized to her. The
letter opener was in the form of a sword. She sent it to
me and nothing more was said.
For some reason, we decided to make our little tract
house into a cottage. We basically moved all the nonload
bearing walls away. We had to put wall to wall
mirrors face each other with a distance of twenty feet.
We then ran a small fence or railing that divided two
rooms. The fence ran into to one of the mirrors.
All of this was complimented by a skylight. The basement
was fixed up and I remember watching the Doug Flutie
pass with my father on a basement television. We sold
the house in one afternoon and moved to a two story
about six blocks away.
It had a big tree in front and the entire house had a mix
of paneling and brick. We added a greater screen porch
in the back. This was the first home for our dog Maxwell.
We added a pond and a wind mill in the back. My wife
got a very big promotion and we moved to Apple Wood
Hills. There are only 2 or 3 entrances to the development
which is heavily wooded. There are so many animals
running around the house. Both Wilson and later Benson
would watch them. There would be wild turkey,
mallards, and pretty deer. One had to stop the car as the
Doe and Fawns crossed the street. At night, you could
hear a train whistle around midnight. In the summer,
there was music that came from an ice cream truck. We
had a porch built in the back and one could sit there
particularly at dusk.
Never got back to the cottage, but got close to it with
this house. The den has a woodsy feel and the front
room has the ambience of the 1940’s. There is a two
sided fire place. One burns real wood, the other is
electrified. The back of the house, three stories look
upon the forest.
Back from where we came from, the little college closed
in 2010. Most everyone was given 2 hours to leave the
campus. For years, it remained empty. Finally, through
the efforts of a number of alumni and others, the little
campus has become a mixed use business park and
numerous activities are held there.
Many noted that in the beginning of the refurbishment
of the little school, there were books, and other oddities
still there reflecting the time of the stoppage. Nothing
had changed save the quiet dust.
The cottage that we lived in was flooded and destroyed,
and a carnival-camping adventure park was created for
RV’s and a big marina where bands would play on weekends.
Most of the park was for those who came up from
Omaha.
When we were there, it was small, private, and primitive.
The change is an emotional attachment to something
that has now come to pass. The entire world is constantly
changing very slightly and one of life’s illusions is that
constant change that is gradual means that it really stays
the same. It doesn’t.
The trees around our present house are probably 60 feet.
The limb from one cracked under storm winds and fell on
the house. A wood pecker tries to drive a hole in a
certain section where the inside is the den.
It is that type of activity that most don’t have and yet
some want it on a vacation.
Iowa on the east side is really like the west coast of
Wisconsin. It is Great Lakes country. There is the
beautiful Lake McBride and Backbone Lake. After the
flood of 2008, the downtown, New-Bo and Mount Trash
more are really delightful. There is a zip-line. There are
about 200 lakes across the state and there is a neat
corridor between Cedar Rapids, and Iowa City. One can
easily get to Cedar Falls and historic Dubuque. There are
4 continuous seasons. The Indian Creek Nature Center
along with about 10 other places to visit makes it a nice
life.
Lake Okoboji and Lake Rathbun make a nice mosaic.
There are 10 state forests that are not state parks. There
may be a few trails, but that is it and they are abundantly
beautiful and bountiful. If you take the low road from
Peosta, you can see jagged rocks at the end of a large
cliff. Then there is a bench or two that looks on the
Mississippi. You can see the west coast of Wisconsin.
I really like Minnesota far up north, but they really only
have 2 seasons. That is winter and non-winter, so I will
take the trade…
Chapter 3
Charlie B. loved to talk. We met in 62’ at the Omaha
University campus. I remember the date because as we
came on campus, Peter Fonda and “Stormy” McDonald
left for the coast. Henry had sent Peter to Omaha
because he had a sister there, and he also another
named Roger Dunbier to watch over “Stormy.” His father
was the president of Zenith Corporation.
All are dead. Fonda died recently and “Stormy” was killed
by an intruder. Dunbier died back in 98’ of natural
causes.
Charlie loved to talk and when living hundreds of miles
from my home in Nebraska, Charlie called to tell me all
about the latest. He would ring me up around 3 PM on
Friday afternoon and we could talk until very late.
Over the years, he had many accomplishments. He loved
to travel and one of the perks of his job was to sell others
on the University of Nebraska-Omaha’s Conference
Center. One of his sojourns ended in a country with a
nude beach. From his window, he could see many nudes.
Fully clothed male tourist would go on to the beach to
have their picture taken with an attractive young lady. He
discovered an important experience. After about 5 days
of nudity the excitement of it evaporates. So many nude
baths around the world know it, most areas here in the
states don’t know.
At any rate, Charlie started smoking in junior high. He
loved to smoke. He also drank, but alcohol and nicotine
are not easy to disengage. He stopped drinking for 10
years, but smoking for him was his cheating love partner
for the rest of his life.
He died a decade ago. I was able to talk to him over the
phone, before he passed. I told him that I loved him and
his eyes lit up. Then he moved into the ages. His last visit
with us we remained on the back porch with the huge
trees surrounding us. In a few hours, he smoked a pack
of cigarettes and a six pack of beer. The two chemicals
not only shortened his life, he really suffered many years
before he died.
I have a grave yard filled with friends who were smokers.
As you know the tobacco people are bastards and they
will try any gimmick to get you hooked.
Where do we go from here? Profit for the few is
embedded in the American Dream. This theme is
everywhere and the super rich can have all they want.
Those senatorial and congressional heads come from the
South and Midwest which until recently were one party
states. Right now, the Right is trying to close down as
many places to vote to win elections.
Women are changing and I like it. However, it is difficult
at this moment, because the new roles and the system
are not quite in order.
How do you stop a guy from unwanted seduction? It is
not be easy because men have a terrible time with libido.
So why don’t the females carry pepper gas. At 18, the
social, psychological, and neurological forces make him
miserable. Crime is mainly a male thing. We need social
and technological strategies to slow him down. Women
lie to survive. I wish they would take over. For both most
of the 20th century and the 21st, children become
stressors. Previous to that time, a lot kids meant a lot of
folks to work the farm. Later, the entire family would go
to the factory.
On balance, men don’t like to raise children. Imagine a
Saturday morning that you can sleep through the day.
Women are now feeling it too. They also find out that
men are another child to rise.
To make matters worse, a very good study from Syracuse
University discovered that 80% of the females don’t like
or want sex of some sort. Who can blame them? They
are generally hit on. Further, the kids are pounding on
the door to the master bedroom.
So the birthrate and marriage have come down and given
the job outlook from outsourcing and artificial
intelligence where will they all find good jobs?
One source suggests something like “co-parenting” The
female has one child and lives with another female who
has a child. The husbands “float” They come when called
to fix things they do their work duty and then want sex.
So there is a trade. This is still hard on the female. When
two females sleep together, a “dead bed” emerges. Both
lose interest in their mates. I do not know an ideal
arrangement for the American family.
In the mean time, the sexes have grown closer together.
However, there needs to be a number of generations so
that a number of different families emerge from
complimentary need dual sex to social androgyny.
So how do you seduce a male to raise kids? You got to
get a relaxant in him so that you can go to work. How do
you get a good partner? I don’t know. There are plenty of
people and media to help the female and for that matter
males can get help. Further, not enough is discussed
about sexual outer course. Religion may not accept it,
but there is not intercourse.
Charlie had a friend. He lost his first wife to her infidelity.
As he was crossing a parking lot up pops a girl of his
dreams. It is Kismet. They date and marry. Usually the
stronger partner likes the other partner less. At any rate,
Charlie’s friend was completely devastated and nearly
broke when he got his divorce attorney. His third wife
was great. Why? Folks it is one of ths mysteries of life.
Charlie B. had discovered another experience. He
became the head of a medical charity. It was a fraud. The
money gathered would go straight to the top. They knew
to spend some money on the families and research but
that was about it. He finally took them to court. As this
was happening, they set up another office. Charlie lost
his medical insurance and to get an expensive medicine,
he had to go to the hospital and then go through some
medical procedures and get the medicine. After he ran
out, he could not get a refill. He had to go back to the
hospital and do the same thing again and again. Each
time, he went back the cost was huge. To get help on an
ongoing basis, he had to declare bankruptcy. So he would
lie in pain and take anything to try in kill it. He did not
want to sleep in the streets. The doctors? They didn’t
give a shit.
Chapter 4
I have been in three accidents in 60 years. Two I was
driving and the third the driver was a foster son. The first
I had only been driving for a few weeks and my little Ford
Anglia (48’) slid on wet bricks into another park car on
the other side of the street. I was punished by having to
tear apart the car and put new parts on. It was repainted
and that was the first of the car accidents.
The second happened late at night and my foster son
wanted to drive. He said that a friend had taught him to
drive. The car was built in the late 70’s and it was
American made. It was a dog. My foster son began
driving and the car had power steering. He started to
swerve because he was not used to the steering
mechanism. As we were driving, the next thing that I
knew was that we were driving in someone’s front yard.
The car was heading for a house and he must have hit
the accelerator. Well we hit the front of the house. The
front of the car was torn off. We hit a tree. Now the
interior of the cabin was coming apart as we hit the
second house.
We were still alive as we quickly got out of the car as it
might explode. It did not. I was not sure what to do
because my foster fellow didn’t have a learner’s permit.
So I took the blame. I was able to do the drills that the
police required and I had not been drinking. It was about
this time that our sons did not want any more foster
sons. We had 6 people in a little 30 by 20 tract house.
Additionally, one dog and two cats were under the roof.
What happened also was the discovery that if I dropped
just one medication, I felt fantastic. The medication was
Lithium. It was the miracle drug of the 80’s. I also had
one of the worst and richest psychiatrists in the region.
All of his patients were doped up. Further, the
medication blunted my blood sugar problems. So I
almost lost my job.
After that, I was able to function. I lost a lot of weight
and felt great. Teaching became easier and the
publications and grants vastly improved. If I could a give
the psychiatrist a gift when he died and I would like to
urinate on his grave. I am not supposed to say that so
we’ll pretend that I didn’t.
The third accident I am not sure what happened.
However, I was driving a small “smart car.” I was hit by a
big sedan. The first thing that I saw was my Uncle Bill
who had died in 1983. Then came fog followed by the
knowledge the right front of the big sedan was next to
me on the right side. Fearing another blow up, I hit the
button holding the safety belt. It quickly released and I
was able jump out of the car.
Then I went over to the other driver who was still in
shock and got him out of his car. A third party indicated
that the accident was my fault. The citation was 200
dollars. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance. I spent
a number of days at home and in bed. I hurt all over the
top half of my body.
I no longer drive a car.
Chapter 5
On November 22, 1962, four friends left a party and
headed for a late night snack. This was at the edge of the
city and the driver may have decided to race a train. They
had already eaten so the time of night, the alcohol (?)
and the food create a sleepy hypoglycemia. Many get
this after a big Thanksgiving dinner. Many get sleepy
and disoriented. The car drove right into the train and
the bodies of my 4 friends were thrown asunder. All
around them were open fields so when hunters came on
the scene later a few parts of each of the 4 had to be
located. Then they were assembled and a few mortuaries
picked up the remains.
I got a call from a fraternity brother about 9 AM. It was
Thanksgiving vacation so no one met that day, but
gathered that night at a friend’s house. All of the dead
were handsome people. The newspaper had pictures and
the intricate details of what might have happen.
By Monday, one could see all the bodies. It was the last
days of the open casket. One of the dead was my big
brother in the fraternity He was extremely handsome. I
recall when he stopped by our home my mother had a
room full of middle age females. The room stopped in
terms of conversation. All eyes were on him.
On the other hand, during the accident his face was
ripped off and the mortician created a new face for him
and a hair piece. His face was colored pink with artificial
eyes.
I recall seeing a fraternity brother sitting in the car with
his face in his hands. My big brother was in the worst of
the body destruction. The heavy scrim did not help
much.
The other three looked better, but one can imagine how
much funerals are improved if the casket is shut and a
picture of them is on the top.
Now this is real human tragedy.
Deep in your soul, don’t you feel that the rich will find
various places that are geographically isolated and able
to support them? Perhaps, they can double up in out of
the way plantations so the majority of us can’t get in. So
if there really is a global crisis, they may survive.
Further, heavy flooding, drought parches land,
continuous rain or extreme change in weather cannot
help. This also includes slaughtering trees that absorb the
toxicants. Whatever is going on, don’t count on the
current administration (Trump) to do anything about it.
Hard Right publications describe scenarios where the red
can surround big blue cities and kill us. Most blue houses
don’t have guns let alone semi-automatics. Most of the
world has hardliner Left wing, to Right wing dictators. I
don’t know who will be our leader, but our salvation
might be the military, police, and related. They fill the
streets of the Blues and sustain order. Hopefully, that
order allows for a free press. The police may not want
the democracy that we have. However those big
corporations need the Blues to buy their products and
work for them is still needed. Or, the order may be a
democratic fascism. That means 1 and ½ parties in ritual
like fashion have elections where the dictator always
wins. It could also mean that there most newspapers that
are tabloids for the government and on page three
women who are naked. The social media may be able to
be shut down or change in such a way that only
government websites are available. Democratic fascism
means that there is plenty of porn, sports, and problems
of other countries in the press. Further, your favorite
Rock and Country bands play for just a few dollars. Dog
fights and bloody extremes may also be a choice. The
churches of those government backed are packed on the
Sabbath.
What is your favorite drug that numbs the pain and gets
you high? However, you are ready with another drug to
go to work. Work camps and a bundle of prisons can also
help the system.
Your most favorite time may be the nude news. It will be
more entertainment. One can only hope that what we
get is subject to change in some far away time. Hope is
illusive, but there is still an existence of it. How much
would you trade not to have a civil war and a police
enforced peace? I will take it. The police force is
quadrupled and many walk a beat and neighbor. They
are loaded with semi-automatics.
Is happiness a warm gun?
Or maybe, there really are Good vibrations and
Strawberry Fields. That is on my head stone located just
over the Iowa border in Forest Lawn cemetery.
Prof. Joel Charles Snell
joelsnell@hotmail.com