Chaotic Butterfly

There are millions if not billions of folks around the world who are a product of existential choices and withering circumstances. I am not a victim and along the way I have had a lot of help and support.

However, as in chaos theory there is that wandering piece of noise that is simply out of the box. That butterfly flaps it’s wings in Florida and yet causes a storm in Omaha. I am not exactly made for these times, but who is? So my story maybe more like others than I think.

Roughly, my  demographics and psychographics are the following:

1. I am a  beta male, strong enough to not be on the bottom, but clearly not an alpha. I was an unplanned child, my mother cried for 6 weeks. So my zygote was drenched in alcohol and stress chemicals.

2. I have strong reservations about males.  Criminology is a field about males. If females can somehow get organized and disregard the frills of fashion, they may teach males how to live.

3. I am a Christian eclectic and a Neo-Fabian social democrat.  However in the country of the United States, it is a country that breaks one’s heart. From the founders to today’s politico, pecuniary success overwhelms a very pretty country. Jesus has been captured by a Social Darwin form of capitalism.

4. Sex has been comified. It is purchasable and can be packaged. Sex has been my Achilles’ heel.

5. I am a black man in white skin, I tried to find release through sex. It did not work. I really don’t trust anyone, but find that without others and with a gauzy veneer of civilization, I need others. Most of my life I have been alone and prefer it that way. I fear others and my own behavior. I am bi-sexual in orientation but not acting out.

6. As a bi-polar type 2, manic depressive/  schizo-affective  I have my ups and downs and there is always some phantom that follows me even into my dreams. It hates me, but likes me if I agree with it.

I have spent 3 times in a mental institution. 1962, 1964. and 1978. In 62, they still used lobotomies and  non-narcotic electro shock. I was able not to have those treatments.

7. I was introduced to sex by a young girl and her sister. We showed our genitals to each other and I kissed both of them in their vagina. As time went on, more joined in and then my brother and his friend tried to rape one of the sisters. The girls were caught and blamed the males because we had pocket knives. All of that was true. However, they embellished the story and males suffered. I was beaten with a willow stick in the nude. I remembered looking at the heat register and saying that was the end of my relations with women. I also told everyone I knew that women were not to be trusted and I would live with a male friend. We had sex a few times, but it did not last.

8. Following a popular brother and sister, I failed completely and spent time reading thousands upon thousands of books. I went into a parallel universe, keeping to myself until my mother would push me out of the house to find some friends. Grade school of 400 was a delight. I had plenty of people that I

liked especially  Jews. My grade school was one of Warren Buffet and Nick Nolte. Both junior and senior high both had at least 2 to 3 thousand people in each.  I hated all of it. I graduated with honors.  My high was in my room and drinking my  parents huge cache of booze. No girls were in my life except freshman year when I went out on two dates. I was tongue tied and continually had an erection.

 Before junior high, sex was not an option when I came to be “born again.” A good news club was in a Southern Baptist church down the street.

If you came to the meetings every time, you would win a chance to win a gold fish. I did not win, but was asked to go to a darkened room. There a woman asked me if I would accept an incredible Jew to be my savior. I said yes. However, in the same room was another women wailing and thrashing her arms and body to get the demons out of her. I was paralyzed with fear and walked home. The division within me is  abusive and retrograde Christianity vs. an abusive and retrograde sex. Women don’t deserve males, but they can lie and lie. If I had a daughter, I would tell her not to marry. I have two sons and neither have married, nor have children.

At the heart of it all is Southern, Evangelicals, that owned some of my relatives. Crossing the ocean, you had loose pack and tight pack slave boats of which you threw off the dead slaves based upon a linear calculation.

9. America is not the only ugly culture attached to a pretty land. There are others. However, my youngest son went to Denmark for his 30th birthday. There were billboards filled with nude people doing mundane activities. Within 5 days, nudity wears off. On the other hand, I gave him money not to go to Mexico. One wrong move and you land into trouble. So I bought him off by offering two trips to any of the states in the union except the south.

10. Americans hate their government and love their country. There are few tiny places in the states that show promise. One is Iowa and yet there are others. However, I don’t believe in any Utopia of any brand.

11. I had 20 to 25 sexual outer course partners. Mainly it was mutual masturbation. What I hated about sexual intercourse is the small chance that the condom would leak. The sex was sometimes S and M. I was hit and found arousal and ejaculation. In college, I had two or three girl friends. Two did orals. Oral is the supreme act of sex to me. I enjoy giving it and receiving it. All else is a side bar.

13. One night, just outside of the Blackstone Hotel in Omaha, my wife asked me to get married. I was high and said yes. We had known each other for 10 days. We waited a year and it was one of the finest in my life.

14. About two months later after work, my wife asked me to sit down. I did. She said that there would be no more orals. Mutual orals was the best part of sex. For her, it was something that you did to get married. She did not like sex because her mother molested her as a kid.  

15. From Omaha to Council Bluffs to buy soft porn magazines, along with my wife, I read the magazines and she had romantic novels. After that, no more sex except for the first child. She had me in a corner. If

we divorced, I would lose my job at the church college that I taught at. Another faculty did divorce and was fired. The second child came from my exhaustion from saying no. Before we got married, she indicated that she did not want children. So again, I was mislead. As I look around the room, I do not trust anyone including myself. So why am I here? Because I need you. Additionally, everything that I said about others is in variation or another of me. I will be dying soon and there is always a chance that something good will come of this. I want God or a paranormal force to notice that I am trying to get porn out of my life.

16. In looking back, I can see hundreds of mistakes that I made, so I am an Ugly American too. That does not mean that I won’t improve. There are tears in the clouds and yet the sun breaks. All might wash away my sins. Look down on me Jesus and help me find a friend, and that friend might be  me.

10/23/2013